So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
