Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
