the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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