so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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