Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
