I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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