god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Sorry about my life...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
