I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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