if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
