What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
