just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
