My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
