You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
