I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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