Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
