ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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