We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
why is half of my head shaved?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
