four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
