The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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