I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
