There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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