i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize