did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
