Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
