We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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