Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
