My hair reeks of homosexuality.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
