anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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