My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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