You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
