your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Enjoy the penises
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
