I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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