Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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