3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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