all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
