whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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