this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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