First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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