Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
