we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
