if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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