Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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