Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
