I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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