Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
