Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
