so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
