How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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