just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
