I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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