you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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