I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
