Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
