i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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