i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
